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Who Are You Trying to Prove Wrong?

by Jason on 2/7/2010 in Be Honest, Life Balance, Maintain Perspective

He suffered from ADHD.

His parents got divorced when he was nine.

He didn’t do so hot in school.

And his middle school teacher told him that he’d never be successful.

Nice.

Everybody seems to have their own definition of success, but I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone to dispute that winning 14 Olympic gold medals is a pretty good indicator of success. Admirably, Michael Phelps didn’t use his teacher’s inaccurate opinion as an excuse to shrink back and settle for a life of mediocrity. Instead, he used the words as fuel to drive him, posting them in his locker so he’d see them before and after every practice.

Many similarly inspiring people have summoned the strength to rise above the pain and doubt resulting from abusive put-downs from parents, teachers, and friends to achieve great success.

The desire to prove someone wrong is very powerful indeed.

However.

It can also cloud our judgement lead us down a dark path.

A son of poor immigrants is ridiculed by classmates for wearing second-hand clothing. The hurtful comments propel him to graduate with honors from Harvard and achieve great financial success. But the memories of the sarcastic remarks make him fearful of ever being poor again, so he works long hours and says yes to every project that promises to pad his bottom line, at the expense of spending time with his wife and children.

A woman spends her whole life trying to prove to her deceased father that she has what is takes to be an excellent lawyer, when her skills and passion are better suited to running a bakery.

Insults from so-called friends lead an overweight guy to make some lifestyle changes in order to get down to a healthy weight. But the euphoria of success drives him to take extreme and dangerous measures to stay thin — no matter what the cost.

Who are YOU trying to prove wrong?

I suspect that every single one of us is motivated to some extent by the moments when we’ve been wronged or doubted. Like a thistle from a thorn bush, those words of discouragement sting when they’re delivered, and they can stick with us for a very long time.

The danger comes when we fail to step back to identify our motivation and examine how it has driven our actions. Pressing forward might lead us down a dead end road where the only prize is a rusty bucket of regret.

May you always rise above the haters who disregard the remarkable potential within you. They don’t see the full picture, and only you can determine how your story ends. But don’t let your desire to prove someone wrong rob you of your health, happiness, or true purpose in life.

It’s not worth it.

Learn more about bringing Jason in to your organization to help them turn stress into laughter, rejuvenate their passion, and achieve work life balance.

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9 Decisions You Can Make With a Rock, Paper, and Scissors

by Jason on 2/4/2010 in Play, You & Improved

photo by mike souza

Remember the childhood game that settled every argument? No, not thumb wrestling (or even arm wrestling, for that matter.) I’m referring to “rock-paper-scissors.” Sure, it’s fun to flip a coin or draw straws, but nothing says childhood like this favorite classic.

If you don’t know that rock beats scissors, then you might need to reconnect with your inner 8-year-old and think back to the simpler days of childhood – the days when disputes were so inconsequential that silly hand gesture games could resolve them in less than a minute.

Oh, if only adulthood could be that simple.

Well, apparently a federal judge in Tampa thought so a few years ago. K&J Nation member Steven S. shared with us an article about a childlike judge who made two arguing attorneys (hard to imagine, I know) play rock-paper-scissors to determine the location for retrieving a sworn statement from a witness. (Thanks for sharing Steven!) How cool is this judge?!

The most interesting part of this story was the poll on the website asking, “Was the judge right to impose a ‘rock-paper-scissors’ order on the attorneys?” The two choices were: 1) Yes: He sure was, embarrassing them that way will teach them to get along, and 2) No: It only makes the judge look childish.

Of course I voted “Yes.” After voting, I noticed that out of 36,083 votes, 92% also voted yes with only 8% voting no. These numbers give me hope regarding Adultitis and tell me that maybe us grown-ups need to (and want to, as indicated by the 92%) stop taking ourselves so darn seriously. So, in an effort to help you do that, here are 9 adulthood decisions you can make using “rock-paper-scissors.” Feel free to get creative and add your own in the comments.

Who has to change the dirty diaper?
Who has to pump the gas on a cold wintry night?
Who has to bring the car for an oil change?
Who has to change the printer cartridge?
Who has to take out the garbage?
Who has to mow the lawn?
Who has to do the dishes?
Who has to vacuum the car?
Who has to go grocery shopping?

P.S. You’ll notice, all of these tasks are often Adultitis-inducing. So, why not mix it up and have some fun with it? Silly fun like this is a simple way to take the dread out of daily chores.

P.S.S. If you’re a R-P-S fan, check out our cool t-shirt!

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Open Letter to Alton Brown (and Dads Everywhere)

by Jason on 1/31/2010 in Life Balance, Maintain Perspective, parenting

I recently got a copy of Good Eats: The Early Years by Alton Brown. To paraphrase Ron Burgundy, if you don’t think it’s the greatest show on television, I will fight you. As a Food Network junkie, I dig Alton’s quirky, fun, no-nonsense style. Between writing books, filming Good Eats, hosting Iron Chef America and The Next Iron Chef, and appearing in all kinds of Welch’s commercials, he certainly seems to have a lot of burners lit. As I perused the acknowledgements, I came across his thoughts regarding his 10-year-old daughter:

“I especially want to thank Zoey for putting up with all the late nights and early mornings, and all the books she had to read alone. You’re my pride and joy, kid.”

I think that’s just about the saddest thing ever written. Am I the only one?

This is what I want to say to Mr. Alton Brown:

Give up one — just one! — of your projects and go read a damn book to your kid.

But that wouldn’t be fair. I don’t really know about the dynamic between Alton and his daughter. What I DO know is that in my travels around the country speaking to various audiences, there are way too many dads who miss big chunks of their kids’ childhood only to suffer the consequences when it’s too late.

I have a friend who has candidly spoken about his contrasting relationships with his two daughters. He was on the road as a traveling salesman for much of his first daughter’s childhood. He missed a lot. He made some life changes that allowed him to be more present for his second daughter’s early years. Today, his relationship with her is solid and rewarding, while his relationship with the oldest girl is strained, distant, and spoiled by resentment.

When you’re not around much when your kids are growing up, they aren’t comforted by the idea that you’re helping a lot of people. They don’t need nearly as much of the things that your “making a living” pays for. And your definition of “quality time” probably doesn’t cut it.

To them, the message is loud and clear: other people and other things are more important to you than them.

Success is intoxicating. In your chase for more of it, don’t lose track of what’s really important.

Because when it’s too late, a few sentences scrawled in some book aren’t going to make up for all your time away.

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Tame Adultitis by Tackling Life’s Little Annoyances

by Kim on 1/28/2010 in Adultitis, You & Improved

photo by frippy

Jason and I often get asked the question, “How does a person contract Adultitis?” Well, there are the obvious ways we all dread: the major u-turns in life that you can’t avoid, like when someone hits your car or when you’re up all night with a sick kid.

Adultitis is also severely contagious, so if you’re around others who are living with the disease, you might want to run for the hills — seriously.

But most of the time, the way you come down with a case of Adultitis is a direct result of the teeny tiny annoying moments that pop up in your day. The dirty little secret is that most of these things are avoidable. And, trust me, these little things can really add up — like unwelcome ants on a picnic blanket. It starts with one or two (ah, aren’t they kind of cute), then before you know it the whole picnic is ruined and you’re eating in the car. Yikes.

So what do you do about it? Well, in an effort to proactively avoid some of these daily hassles (combating Adultitis head-on), I have come up with a strategy in my own life that I encourage you to try.

Make a list of your daily annoyances.

You know what I’m referring to; those things, that when they happen, leave you cursing, banging your fist on something hard, or even throwing a grown-up mental tantrum. (Don’t tell me you’ve never had one of these – they are quite glamorous, after all.) Once you have your list, take each pesky problem one by one and uncover a way to zap it from existence.

Here’s my list — it’s surprisingly simple stuff. Maybe this will help inspire you to get your own list going, bringing you one step closer to taming Adultitis.

1. Invest in a quality stapler.
Currently, I am knee-deep in details for our upcoming speaking programs for the spring. Lots of paper shuffling and file management in an effort to make sure nothing gets missed. I go to grab the stapler and BOOM — jammed. Aye Yay Yay! A friend of mine on FB suggested Red Springline all the way. (Thanks Jeff G!)

2. Create a TP system.
Life is busy. Sometime (honestly, most times) little details like toilet paper stock management are not making the top of the to-do list. You know what happens when this is overlooked, though — lavatory SOS. One lonely square of Charmin left on the roll + no rolls in the closet = panic mode. Initiate a system in which you have to replenish the stash when you take the last roll from the closet, NOT when you take the last square from the roll.

3. Manage birthday reminders.
Nothing says “Happy Birthday” to a friend like actually saying Happy Birthday to a friend. It’s obvious when you forget. But, honestly, I don’t even know what day it is myself most of the time. Subscribe to one of those free online birthday reminders. They send you an email with reminders. Tip: schedule the reminder for a few days before so you have time to mail a card.

4. Buy a milking cow.
No, you don’t have to move to a dairy farm to make sure you don’t run out of milk. But, I know Jerry Seinfeld would agree that there’s nothing worse than picking up the milk in the morning to pour into your cereal and the carton is too light. Either buy two cartons at a time or make a mid-week milk stop part of your weekly routine. There is nothing sadder than a lonely — and dry — Oreo.

5. Reset your clocks.
As much as I try to be on time for things, I seem to be the “5 minutes late” gal. It’s always exactly five minutes. So, why not time warp reality? Set the clocks a few minutes fast so that you can be on time. The trick is to convince yourself that your clocks are correct, and not rely on the fact that you actually have a few free minutes to play with because your clocks are fast. Head games…aren’t they fun?

6. Plan your meals ahead.
Nothing screams take-out like a hungry family and a clueless cook. Ordering out can really add up. Plan your meals the week before, right before you go grocery shopping for the week to ensure you don’t find yourself an egg short. This takes a great deal of stress out of the day-to-day, especially when you’re already grumpy because your tummy is growling.

7. Invite VM to be your friend.
Voicemail was created for good reason. You don’t have to answer every call. In fact, you shouldn’t. Set boundaries on your phone habits so that you can have a relaxing evening with your family without being interrupted by a caller who could’ve easily waited until the next day.

8. Get some Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones
Looking for a quiet night of sleep? Does having a teething one-year-old keep you up at night? (or is it just ME!) Just kidding… ;) Sometimes you have to suck it up. This too shall pass.

So, what annoys YOU? Traffic? Noisy neighbors? Holes in your socks? Trying to remember your millions of passwords? ATM fees? A dead cell phone battery? Inaccurate weather forecasts? Slow internet service? Running out of ink in your printer? Negative news? Waiting for repair people? Spam? Empty gas tanks?

Share one thing that you’ll do to tame Adultitis this week by tackling your daily annoyance head-on.

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Are You A Human Doing?

by Jason on 1/24/2010 in Adultitis, Delight in the Little Things, Life Balance

It’s easier to be a human doing than a human being.

I have the good fortune of spending two hours each morning with a little bundle of energy known as Lucy. She recently became interested in bringing me books to read to her. I enjoy this new level of interactivity, even though the subject matter is less than stellar. The ones she seems to enjoy the most are the ones with the least regard for a plot (unless you consider journeying through the alphabet from A to Z captivation of the highest order).

During our time together, I too often I operate under the premise that I only have two options in how I spend the time. One allows me to be actively engaged with her, reading books or playing side-by-side. The other option, if she is playing contentedly by herself, insists that I should have my laptop open and use the opportunity to get something productive done. Like coming up with an idea for a blog post.

I was reminded today that there is actually a third choice.

The third choice, effectively labeled “none of the above,” is a pretty simple one, although surprisingly hard:

Just be.

So I tried it. I just sat on the ground, with my back against the couch, in silence. I gave myself permission to leave my laptop right where it was — closed. I watched Lucy go about her business from one toy to the next. I started paying attention to my breathing, making a conscious effort to slow it down. I marveled at my ability to easily detach from myself and get lost in contemplation. Then I looked at the clock.

Exactly one minute had passed.

Ahem.

Undeterred, I got back to breathing. Eventually, I really was able to let go. I watched Lucy play, without giving in to the urges to help her correctly stack the blocks or shower her with positive feedback. Instead, I chuckled at how she waddled from one thing to the next on legs that weren’t as fast as her mind. I noticed the sunlight shining on her hair. I marveled at how tall she’s gotten. I just enjoyed being in her presence.

All in all, it was the best fifteen minutes I’d spent in weeks. Peaceful. Relaxing. Energizing.

It took a while to let go of the idea that I should be “doing” something. But once I was able to finally let go and just “be” in the moment, an amazing sense of peace came over me. I felt present. I wasn’t worried or anxious about anything. I experienced a deep sense of gratitude for my life, my home, and my little girl.

And lo and behold, I came up with the idea for this blog post.

There’s a good chance that this little story sounds appealing to you — a chance to do nothing? How great would that be?! But alas, the loudest of the inner voices shouting within you exclaims that you don’t have the time to just be.

The loudest of your inner voices is often the stupidest.

During the course of your day, you have plenty of opportunities to just be, even for just 5 or 15 minutes. In the shower. During your commute. Waiting in line. The real problem is that you don’t take advantage of the opportunities when they come, because the whole process is so dang uncomfortable.

Your mind is uncomfortable with the silence because you are so conditioned to the noise.

The lack of movement is unsettling because you’re always on the go.

Not to mention, it’s almost impossible to feel productive when you’re just “being.” And productivity is our favorite drug of choice.

So since it is easier to be a human doing, that is exactly what we do.

The thing that makes music beautiful is not just the notes, but the space of nothingness between them. Were it not for the spaces of nothingness, music would be like an annoying fire alarm. And when we busy ourselves doing anything we can, doesn’t life sometimes seem like that? Loud. Frantic. Unrelenting. Overwhelming. Stressful.

It takes practice to embrace those five minute chunks of time each day provides and use them to just be. It’s hard. But don’t let the difficulty discourage you. It gets easier the more you do it.

It may be easier to be a human doing than a human being. But if you want a life that isn’t burdened by stress and Adultitis, you might want to practice the “being” part a bit more.

Let some quiet spaces into your life and enjoy for yourself the symphony of the human experience.

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What Grocery Shopping Can Teach You About Life Balance

by Kim on 1/21/2010 in Life Balance, You & Improved

photo by roadsidepictures

I am the worst grocery shopper — ever. I’ve found that many of the reasons I was able to teach kindergarten effectively all fly in the face of being a good grocery shopper. Being easily distracted with a short attention span and the endless aisles of marketing mayhem do not serve me well. It’s a mess. Thank goodness Jason took over all of our shopping (and cooking) when Lucy was born. (Yeah for Lucy being born!)

The worst is when I would make one of those quick stops — you know the kind: “I’ll just run in for a few things.” Ha!

Inevitably, I’d grab the plastic basket, thinking it would somehow keep me from picking up too much. After all, I really did only need a few things. Ten minutes later, I’m stranded way back in dairy trying to conjure up a plan for how I’m going to get to the checkout without dropping everything. The basket is too heavy to carry with one hand, but I need a hand to get the gallon of milk (which is the ONE thing we actually needed). The eggs are teetering on top and every time I take a step the bread gets squished more and more. Help! I told you I was the worst grocery shopper ever, especially because this has happened to me countless times.

This image of me with the overflowing basket is what I thought of today when I read the definition for the word “balance.” Everyone seems to be seeking balance. How do you achieve it? What does it look like? Is it possible? Is it a myth?

The verb balance is defined as “putting something in a steady position so that it does not fall.”

Aren’t we all seeking the magic formula that will help us align all of the teeny tiny sections of our lives, making them steady so that they will not come toppling down at a moment’s notice?

I know I am. I also know I am not alone.

Being a work-at-home mom, it’s a daily challenge to align the pieces of my life so that everything gets done and all the while I am somehow smiling and having fun. Lucy needs a diaper, that email needs to be sent, the bathroom needs a wipe down, I should call that client back, Jason needs clean pants for his gig tomorrow, I need a shower and some chocolate. It seems crazy most days, but balance is worth fighting for.

If you feel like your life is out of balance, it’s time to do what I should’ve done time and time again with that darn basket of groceries:

Carry less. Set a few things down. Reprioritize what absorbs your time and figure out a few things that can wait until a different season of life.

Ask for help. Look around and find people to help you carry your load.

Stick to your list. Take time to plan out your week as a family. Say no to the temptations that come up at the last minute that steal your time.

Make sure you remembered the Oreos. Don’t forget to reward yourself along the way. You don’t have to choose emotional eating, like I do. Just be sure to allow yourself to be rewarded along the journey. :)

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The First Year of Fatherhood: One Dad’s Review

by Jason on 1/20/2010 in Jason's Random Musings, parenting

Well, we did it. My wife and I made it to the one-year mark. (Oh, and so did Lucy.) The first two weeks seemed like a millennium, the last fifty seemed like a millisecond.

So, what have I learned, if anything?

• It sounds so dang cliché to say, “It’s harder than I imagined, but better than I imagined.” It may be cliche, but is it ever true.

• I’m still trying to figure out what a “normal” schedule should be. I’m never quite sure I’m spending time correctly. I feel like I’m still trying to get in a groove. It seems like I should have it figured out by now. I also get the feeling that “normal” is gone forever.

• I can be with Lucy, OR I can work on something else. Either way I’m a pretty patient person. But trying to do both at once drives me insane and obliterates my patience.

• Baby diapers can really STINK. But I don’t mind changing them as much as I thought I would. I think dirty diapers are overhyped.

• Most of the world is out of whack when it comes to life balance. What most would consider standard operating procedure is way over the edge, if you ask me. I think we all need to slow the hell down for two seconds and stop trying to be and do and have everything.

• We avoided colic but got to experience the worst of teething. Pick your poison, I guess…

[Read the rest of this article over at Dad-O-Matic, a cool site for Dads, by Dads.]

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More Is Always Better. Or Is It?

by Jason on 1/17/2010 in Be Honest, Life Balance, Maintain Perspective

More is better.

Is that true?

When I think of the concept of “more,” I sometimes imagine a slick, second-rate Elvis trying to sell me an extended warranty on electronic equipment. Or a pimply teenager offering to upgrade my fries to super-size for just a quarter. Their message: “More is definitely better.”

The other side of my noggin houses a sage old man who looks a lot like the guy who sold Gizmo to Peter’s dad in Gremlins. He hears the offers of the first two clowns and defiantly bellows, “More is not better.” Followed up by the Yoda-sounding, “Less is more.”

Is less really more? Or is it less? What’s really better, less or more?

The answer, of course, depends on what you’re talking about.

More money. More opportunity. More love. In these cases, more is better.

More debt. More clutter. More Gremlins that have eaten after midnight. Now we’re talking about more being much, MUCH worse.

Seems pretty straightforward. But the trick is that we can chase more of something without realizing what we’ll really end up with more of. Sometimes a quest for more of something we want leads to more of something else we don’t want.

Let me explain.

We might desire more money to provide for a more stable living for our family. Not a bad thing at all. But that quest for more money might require more hours worked, resulting in more stress, more health problems, more doctor bills. Ultimately, this all leads to less time spent with family. Another case where less is probably not more (depending on your family, of course.)

I know parents who want more opportunities for their children, eagerly signing them up for more activities that will make them more well-rounded and their record more appealing to more universities. Meanwhile, the kid grows more resentful, more stressed, spends more time away from home and is influenced by more people other than Mom and Dad.

Not so straightforward after all.

Sometimes more is better. Sometimes more is not. This balancing act is a tricky game and not a easy as I wish it was.

My only advice is that in your quest for more (whatever that is), take a few steps back to see if it might leave you with much less than you bargained for.

P.S. What do you think of the Gremlin art? One of my initiatives for this year is to create more custom art for my articles. I do have a degree in illustration, after all, so I figured I should put it to better use. I must say, painting Stripe was a real treat.

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