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How Much Mommy Guilt Is Too Much?

Instagram photo of me and Ben, shot with my iPhone

Jason and I are determined to get to the end of our lives with no regrets. It’s our life’s work.

So, having said that, I pose a question that challenges me big time:

How much “mommy guilt” is normal?

Many moms have some level of it, usually when it comes to being away from their kids. But when does this guilt start to serve as a warning sign — a red flag — telling you that you need to make some changes?

I sat in on a discussion last week that really got me thinking. Two experienced work-at-home moms were sharing their thoughts with a newbie mom about the balance, and how “mommy guilt” is real and inevitable and it’s best to get over it and let it go. But the way they described their experiences with the guilt really got my attention. They were hugely emphatic about its painful intensity. So much so, I felt unable to relate. Sure, I have guilt…but “how much” is relative and hard to calculate. I’ve certainly never felt as intensely guilty as they described.

Looking through my lens of “no regret,” I couldn’t help but wonder, are they setting themselves up for regrets later? Am I?

So, where’s the line between “normal” amounts of guilt that come from our culture’s highly prevalent but unachievable Supermom ideal, and the kind of guilt that should NOT be ignored? Is it like pain, which is something that serves a purpose, telling you that something is wrong?

Are high levels of “mommy guilt” serving the purpose of telling us things are not balancing out in a healthy way?

I have been making time for afternoon naps with Benny. It’s amazing for my soul. Is there work to be done? Hells yeah. Emails are filling my box by the minute, paperwork to be processed covers my desk, our family hamper is overflowing, dirty dishes cover my counter, homeschooling projects for Lucy fill my former kindergarten teacher head, and yet I am napping on the couch with my 7-week-old son.

The reality is, he will NEVER remember if I set him down and tackle my to-do list.

But I will.

How do I nap peacefully knowing all that I NEED to be doing?

Two words: No. Regrets.

When Ben is 18 and I’m sitting at his high school graduation, I will have no regrets that I didn’t savor this stage of his childhood.

It’s a constant challenge to find peace in the balance.

If your mommy guilt is high, ignore the temptation to rationalize it away by saying “it’s normal” and “every mom struggles with it.” Make sure you’ve gifted yourself with the mental space to ask yourself the hard question:

Will I have regrets?

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Meet Greg Link

by Jason in Kim & Jason Nation Profiles

Kim & Jason Nation is a playful group of rebels who share a joyful, indomitable childlike spirit and are not afraid to let that spirit come out to play! They’re united by a common goal of fighting Adultitis and the doo-doo heads who embrace its ideals. Quite frankly, they’re pretty much the coolest people on the planet. Here’s one right now…

• My hometown is… Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

• My biggest dream…is to go on a TOMS shoe drop, want.

• My inspiration… All KIDS!!!!

• When I was a kid, I… really wanted to fly and I’m still trying.

• My favorite childhood toy was… my Cabbage Patch Kid named Bruno, and my TalkBoy.

• One way I stay childlike is… playing with Nerf Guns, at work.

• What I know so far… is that people who think they know it all don’t really know much at all.

• My favorite things about “Kim & Jason” is… the way they make me smile when I get their emails.

We saved a space just for YOU in Kim & Jason Nation — join the small rebellion and sign up to become a K&J Insider today!

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What I Learned From One Family’s Battle with Leukemia

by Jason in Maintain Perspective,Small Rebellions

Acrylic and Sharpie marker on newsprint.

I met Kevin and his family when I was in college. They were very involved in the church I attended. Such cool people; kind, warm and welcoming. The parents modeled a marriage worth emulating. Kevin reminded me of me when I was his age: brown curly hair, smart and thoughtful, a little bit shy.

I’d lost touch, but was recently saddened to hear that Kevin, just twenty-three years old, was battling leukemia. He had been in Texas getting treatment and fighting hard, but with the cancer on the verge of winning the war, he returned this past September to spend his final months at home. Kevin’s favorite holiday is Christmas, but it wasn’t assured that he’d live to see the next one. So his family did a cool thing.

They broke a rule and moved Christmas up a few months.

Upon his return — in September, remember — he was greeted to a street strewn with signs welcoming him home. Beautiful red bows adorned the maple trees, fence and porch. The neighbor’s house had Christmas lights, too. Friends and family decked out Kevin’s home with Christmas cheer, cookies, and a fully-decorated tree.

Awesome.

What if your doctor told you that you had a 50/50 shot of making it to the end of the year? What would change in your life? Anything? Everything?

Here’s a sobering thought: there’s a pretty good chance that at least a few people reading this won’t be here this Christmas. That number could include you. Or me. The only 100% certainty is that for each and every one of us, our Christmases are numbered.

Don’t wait for a doctor’s diagnosis to wake you out of your slumber. It’s a luxury that rarely comes.

What advice would you give to someone to make sure they’re living every day to the fullest? (Especially if that someone was you?) Here’s some of mine:

Quit worrying about what other people think.
Examine your life for rules you’re living by that don’t actually exist. (Hint: there are way more of these than you can possibly imagine.) Start ruthlessly ignoring them.
Watch less TV. Create more adventures.
Pull out the good china and have a fancy dinner (even if you’re only having macaroni and cheese.) To those waiting for some sort of special occasion, I’d say that having dinner together with the people you love is always a special occasion.
Start dreaming a little bit bigger than seems reasonable. That’s how you know you’re doing it right.
Do more of what excites you to the core. Do less of what doesn’t.
Remember that EVERY day is a holiday. It’s just that most days, what to celebrate is up to you.

Kevin made it to the “real” Christmas, but he passed away earlier this week. He and his family were a powerful and humbling example to me of what faith and love really look like during the difficult times. And as for the specific dates on which we’re supposed to celebrate things like Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas?

They reminded me that those are optional, too.

Adultitis-Fighting Tip: Every day is a holiday and life is a celebration. Is there something you’re yearning to do but are waiting for the "proper" time to do it? Maybe this is the week to go for it. (Or at least start planning for it.) No time like the present, after all.

What’s YOUR best advice for living every day to the fullest?

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Savor Your Life’s Fleeting Moments

by Kim in Delight in the Little Things

Instagram photo shot with iPhone

I LOVE Ben’s cheeks! Seriously, I just can’t get enough. I munch on them, pretending to eat them (which always gets a smile from Lucy). I rub my own cheeks on his. I walk across the room JUST to kiss them. Every time I absorb their cuteness my heart overflows with love. It’s the best feeling in the world. They are just there for the taking and I can’t help myself, doggonit.

His chubby little cheeks, his adorable smell, his little gurgling noises — I am savoring them all.

This time is fleeting.

He’s already changing so much.

Rather than dread the loss of these amazing stages, I am choosing to love them up as much as I possibly can. If that means sitting on the couch for 20 minutes kissing his cheeks, than so be it. I will never regret that time spent.

What is fleeting in your life right now that needs some serious savoring?

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How To Make Someone Feel Like The Cat’s Pajamas

by Jason in Create & Do

The Wall of Lucy, shot with my Canon Digital Rebel XS

A few years ago, I drew a portrait of Lucy for Kim as a Christmas present. She loved it.

I’m not sure I truly thought through the ramifications of that gift. After all, there was no way I could NOT do another one the following year. And now that we’ve had another kid, I just doubled my workload!

If nothing else, this all but assures that we won’t be making a run at the Duggars in terms of family size anytime soon.

So, after running out of space in the kitchen, I hung the newest drawing along with the previous two on a wall in our bedroom. It allows us room to grow — at least for a little while.

On a related note, my 9-year-old niece Kerrigan is a budding artist and big Star Wars fan. After she admired the S’More Trooper piece I did last fall, I surprised her with a similar version as a Christmas gift. I was a little worried that she’d be disappointed, wishing we’d have gotten her some new video game instead. But when she opened the gift, her eyes lit up and I knew it was a hit.

These instances remind me that in this age of mass-production and materialism, handmade things are still the best. Amazon.com and gift card kiosks have made gift-giving easier, but also less meaningful. It takes time to create something the old-fashioned way, and time is the one thing that no one has in abundance. When someone gives you something handmade, you automatically know they think you’re the cat’s pajamas.

Adultitis-Fighting Tip: This week, why not make something for someone who means a lot to you? I know, we just celebrated Christmas, but that’s what will make the gift even more special: it’s not tied to an obligation. And don’t give me the business about how your art skills stink. Perhaps you can bake some cookies, build a birdhouse, knit a scarf, create a flower arrangement, cook a casserole, craft a scrapbook page, fashion a greeting card made with glitter glue, make a paper toy, or steal an idea from Joel.

What’s the coolest thing anybody ever made for you?

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Best Friends Forever (Art Made On My iPad)

by Jason in Art

Over my holiday break / paternity leave / month of sleeplessness, I watched a video by illustrator Will Terry in which he demonstrated his technique for creating art on his iPad. I’d played around with doing art on my iPad but was never able to get comfortable with it (or at least the feeling of being an untalented hack with two left hands). But something amazing went off in my brain while watching Will’s video, and I thought, “Hey! I can do that!” So I decided to give it another try.

The S’Mores image was my first official work done entirely on the iPad. I had so much fun with it that I kept making more. Two more food-related ones are below. More to come!

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Want to live a better story? Ditch your New Year’s resolution and do this instead.

by Jason in Lifestyle Design,Live Passionately

Gliiter, construction paper and a Christmas tree, shot with my Canon Digital Rebel XS

How’s your New Year’s resolution going? If you’re like most people, you either thought to yourself, “Wait, what was my new year’s resolution?” or just descended into a shame spiral.

Me, I’m not a big fan of resolutions. Instead, I like to choose a word of the year.

If you think about it, a word of the year makes for a better story than a resolution. A resolution is kind of boring. Whether it’s to lose 50 pounds, run a marathon, or get out of debt, there’s not a lot of mystery to it. You either accomplish it or not. (Mostly not, according to the statistics.) Plus, it usually involves a lot of work.

But a word, now that brings some drama. It’s specific, yet open-ended. It gives you a direction with which to focus your energy, but leaves the door open for surprises. And besides, whose story sounds better, the girl who chose “Freedom” as her word of the year, or the guy who wants to lose 15 pounds of belly fat?

I’ve been thinking about my word of the year for a few weeks now. I knew the feeling I was going for, but I couldn’t think of a word that embodied it. Finally, it hit me: magic. That’s my word of the year. Considering I’ve been saying it a lot of late, it should have been more obvious.

Now, I won’t be learning any card tricks or anything. To me, magic is the free prize, the unexpected little extra that transforms an experience from average to awesome. Magic doesn’t have to cost money, but it does require creativity and mindfulness. Because it doesn’t happen by chance. In 2012, I want to experience magic, and I want to help create magical experiences for others.

Most resolutions only address one level of your life, such as your body, your relationships, your job. But the cool thing about a word of the year is that it covers your whole life. For instance, I’m looking forward to making and experiencing magic in my speaking programs, through our web site, in my travels, and in my daily life with Kim and the kids.

Adultitis-Fighting Tip: If you haven’t already, why not come up with your own word of the year? I have more thoughts about it here, and this great primer even has a list of words to spark your imagination. Spend some time in quiet thinking about your word, and then write it down or print it out and post it somewhere you’ll see it every day.

What’s your Word of the Year for 2012?

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Ben’s Birth Story

by Kim in Kim's Random Musings,Lifestyle Design

Ben is five weeks old, which means we have officially survived “hell month,” as many call it. Our first month included the holidays — yikes, what a crazy marathon! I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a challenge, but it’s all behind us now.

Joy is at an all time HIGH when I’m holding Ben. He is the chillest little man I’ve ever met. I just can’t get enough of his baby smell and adorable little noises. By far, the suckiest part of the whole “new baby” scenario is the night feedings — getting up every 2-3 hours really tests my sanity — and by late afternoon if I haven’t managed to sneak in a nap, my cup is pretty empty.

This past month I’ve been reminded just HOW important kick-butt teamwork and communication is between Jason and I. It takes effort as we try to make this delicate balance happen yet again. As we gear up for month two, we graduate to the next step: traveling as a family of four. First up is a week-long road trip to Minnesota for three gigs followed by a trip to Florida, which will Ben’s first flight.

I can’t help but be a bit reflective as a ponder some things in my heart about Ben’s journey into our lives. So, for all of you birth junkies out there, here’s Ben’s home birth story…
[...continue reading]

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The Messy Adventure of Parenthood

by Kim in Parenting

This post is an excerpt from our new book, Just You Wait, a collection of insightful, humorous, and totally unvarnished journal entries detailing our adventures in fighting Adultitis as first-time parents. Parents of all sorts – and especially first-timers – will enjoy the honest look at the roller coaster ride that is parenting. Buy it now!

* * * * *

October 5, 2009: Lucy and I were downstairs changing the laundry. As she crawled around the floor, I noticed a dark mark on her shirt, at the small of her back. As any baby’s parent will tell you, this is not something to be ignored. The location meant only one thing: blowout. This was not your ordinary full diaper… I knew it was going to be a fun one when I lifted her shirt and the first thing I saw was a chunk of food – maybe a pea or a part of a bean. Yikes! Fun on the changing table was sure to be had.

Little did I know that this was just the start of a very unforgettable 15 minutes with Lucy.

Since I was in the midst of laundry, I thought that I might as well take her clothes off and add them to the wash. So, I stripped her down. Wait a second, I hesitate to mention this, but in full disclosure I should also tell you that right before I noticed Lucy’s spot o’ stink, I remembered that I needed to wash my bra, which I was currently wearing. Isn’t that always how it goes, ladies?! So, I decided that I would simply take it off and stick it in the load of whites I was doing. No biggie…

So, back to the story…Lucy and I (both shirtless) walked upstairs to take care of the nasty diaper. It definitely ranked up there in the top 5 of terrible blowouts. Since it was going to be a bath night anyway, I made the executive decision to get her in that warm water right away. I said to Lucy, “Girl, I don’t normally let you run around naked, but you can go without peeing for 2 minutes, right?” (This is foreshadowing, for those of you not sure where this story is going.)

So I quickly ran and grabbed a different bra – enough was enough with the no shirt business. I got the bath going, and when Lucy (being the smart girl that she is) heard the water, she quickly toddled to the bathroom to check out the happenings. As I was putting on my bra, Lucy was standing at the tub, naked as a jaybird…and all of a sudden I saw that the floor was quickly being covered in liquid…potty!! I hurried to finish hooking my bra, but not fast enough. In that millisecond, Lucy also noticed the liquid dribbling down her leg and moved to avoid it, losing her footing on the wet floor. She wiped out, hitting her head on the ceramic tile.

Tears! Tears! And more tears!

She was lying in pee, and the bathtub water was starting to overflow. I picked her up and comforted her. Mind you, I did manage to get the bra on, but no shirt. Oh yes, and urine was definitely everywhere at that point.

And so…I laughed! What a picture of my life right now. Could it get any crazier? I sat on the bathroom floor and kissed her little head (which was fine), and, as I assessed my strategy for clean-up/recovery, I looked over to notice…

Poop on my arm.

What a messy adventure parenthood is!

[ Get your copy of "Just You Wait" here. ]

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The Hardest Job Ever

by Jason in Maintain Perspective,Parenting

* * * * *

The hardest job ever may be closer than it appears.

August 28, 2009: Last night, I was watching Lucy so Kim could mow the lawn. Everything was going fine: some relaxing playtime on the living room floor followed by an energetic and smile-filled bath. Then all hell broke loose.

I pulled Lucy out of the tub to dry her off. I went to put on a diaper, which she was having none of. Like a shape-shifter, she transformed into one solid muscle, twisting and turning with such force that it was impossible to put the diaper on. I spent five full minutes (which is a long time when you’re trying to perform a task that should take about 10 seconds) in vain, as her cry crescendoed to a higher and higher pitch. She was not happy, and neither was I.

I wanted to throw her out the window. (I didn’t.) But when Mom came in to save the day, a stool took the brunt of my frustration.

I was beaten like a government mule by a nine-month-old.

Those people who say, “Parenting is the hardest job ever” suddenly make a lot of sense. I get it.

You hear that a lot, in one form or another. Before you have kids, you can agree with that statement; but until you have them, you really have no idea what it means.

I assumed that the truly hard stuff happens when they’re older, like in their pre-teens, when they start asking difficult questions and testing your authority. This first year has been much more taxing than I anticipated, and if the really hard parts are still ahead of me, I need to do some more praying.

The balancing act has caught up with Kim and me this week, and neither of us feels that we are doing particularly well at any of it: work, parenting, household chores, relationships. There seems to be no time to get anything done, and even less time to catch our breath. I feel like a failure, especially considering that we only have one kid. How do people with twins, or a household of kids manage? I feel doomed.

The best solution I can come up with is to take it one day at a time. That’s a pretty good strategy for life in general, isn’t it? Sometimes you have bad days, but most of the time, the days that follow are a little bit better.

Today was a lot better. Lucy doesn’t seem to be holding any grudges over last night, and her smile has a way of making me forget that any of it ever happened.

[ Get your copy of "Just You Wait" here. ]

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